Back to the Start
by BoogaHP1D
Summary: How did we get here? What happened to us? Where did the love go? Kurt, Why did you ever stop loving me? Puckurt fic.
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own glee. Or any of the characters I use for my own evil ways. _

_Warnings: Attempted Suicide and Some language._

_This is set a few years after they've all graduated. Rachel, Kurt, and Blaine are in NY, and the rest of them are all in college all over the country._

* * *

_How did it come to this?_

_How did we get here?_

_What happened to you?_

_What happened to us?_

_We knew what it would come to._

_We knew it wasn't going to be easy._

_We knew it would be over._

_But why did it have to come to this?_

_Why did you have to leave?_

_Why did you have to leave me?_

_Why did you have to crawl back to him?_

_Back to Blaine?_

_Do you not remember last time?_

_Do you not remember the tears?_

_And the bruises?_

_And the scars?_

_If not me, then why him?_

_Why did you go back to him?_

_Was he the easy choice?_

_Was he the one you wanted?_

_Was I just the consolation prize?_

_Why am I always so stupid?_

_Why do I always fall for the ones I can't have?_

_First Quinn._

_Then Shelby._

_Now you._

_Why, Kurt?_

_I just want to know._

_Why did you have to go?_

_Leave me again._

_My heart aches Kurt._

_And you know why?_

_Because I really thought you loved me._

_I really thought you cared more than this._

_I thought that we would be together forever._

_I never thought you'd do this._

_I never thought I could hurt like this._

_I never thought this kind of pain existed._

_I never thought a heart could break._

_But it can._

_It can, because I love you so much._

_I feel you everywhere I go._

_I just can't let go._

_I can't let go of what I have left._

_So how do I let go?_

_I want you to tell me how you leave all of the pain behind._

_But you know what?_

_I can't ask you._

_Because you don't know how._

_You don't know how to love me._

_Only Blaine._

_The guy that put you through hell._

_And you came to me._

_You came to me when you needed love._

_And I gave it to you._

_Because I had so much love to give._

_And I still do._

_But it is empty._

_Empty, unwanted love._

_And it creates a hole._

_A hole in my chest._

_Straight through my heart._

_And it kills me._

_Every time I hear your name._

_Or listen to your voice._

_Or see your face._

_Because that dagger is plunged a little bit deeper._

_And the hole becomes a little bigger._

_Until nothing is left._

_Just emptiness._

_The emptiness that I witness every time I look at my ring finger._

_And it is bare._

_Nothing there._

_Emptiness replacing the ring._

_The ring that you gave to me._

_The promise you made._

_That unbreakable vow._

_The one I never thought could be more shattered._

_More broken._

_Because what you did that night._

_It broke me._

_Broke me more than you can imagine._

_Was it worth it?_

_Was it worth all of this?_

_Was it worth losing me?_

_But that night, when you didn't come home._

_I was worried._

_So damn worried._

_Worried that you were hurt._

_Worried that you were dead._

_I bet you didn't know that I went looking for you._

_I looked for you all night._

_Until I found you._

_In our bed._

_With Blaine on top of you._

_I couldn't move._

_Couldn't think._

_Couldn't breathe._

_Because I didn't understand how you could throw it all away._

_Everything._

_For him._

_For Blaine._

_You threw away all of the "I love you's"._

_All of the kisses._

_All of the tears._

_All of the love._

_For Blaine._

_And look at where we are now._

_I'm broken beyond repair._

_You're still young and full of life._

_I'm undesirable._

_Everyone wants to know you._

_Funny how life works out, isn't it?_

_It's as if our lives have flipped since high school._

_And you know what._

_I got out of your way._

_Because this is what you wanted._

_I sacrificed my heart._

_I put it all on the line for you._

_And I turned out exactly how I thought it would._

_I ended up paying the price._

_Then and now._

_It seems like whatever I do, I always lose._

_I lost Quinn._

_I lost Beth._

_And the most important one._

_I lost you._

_I lost the only thing that made me happy._

_And now I'm just a shell._

_Hollow._

_Depressed._

_Empty._

_I just wish that none of this ever happened._

_I wish I had never fallen for you._

_I wish that I hadn't fallen in love._

_I wish that we could go back._

_Back to the start._

_When it was just you and me._

_No love._

_No expectations._

_Just curiosity._

_Me, trying it out with a guy._

_You, experimenting to find love._

_And I fell._

_I fell so hard._

_Just as I wish I hadn't._

_You opened me up._

_You saw Noah._

_You saw, and felt, and heard everything I had to give._

_And I saw Kurt._

_Vulnerable._

_Loveable._

_Kurt._

_But you tossed Noah away._

_Why?_

_What did I do?_

_And all I want to know is,_

_Did you love me?_

_Ever?_

_Did I mean anything to you?_

_Did I matter?_

_Well, none of it is important anymore._

_I'm not important._

_You're not important._

_Because when I'm gone._

_This is all you'll have left._

_Just these words._

_And oh so many memories._

_Of you._

_Of me._

_Of us._

_Not that you'll remember them._

_I loved you._

_Hell, I still love you._

_I love you so much, Kurt._

_I'm sorry that it comes to this._

_But, I just can't do it anymore._

_I can't be reminded of you anymore._

_I can't take anymore tears._

_I can't take anymore hurt, Kurt._

_Tell everyone that I love them._

_And that I'm sorry._

_I'm just done, Kurt._

_I'm done._

_Love, Noah._

* * *

And that was it. Everything on the note. Everything locked up in Noah's heart. And here I am. Standing in his hospital room. Tears spilling down my cheeks. I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to say that I care. I don't deserve to hurt.

Because I left. I left the man I loved to be with someone else. Someone safer. Someone who I thought I loved. Mistakenly. But, as I stand here, crying, every single emotion floods back into my body. Every word, every touch, every feeling that I had with Noah, not Blaine.

And I remember that feeling when Finn gave me that call. That goddamn phone call. That feeling of you heart plummeting. That feeling of your eyes blinding. That feeling of your body running cold. That feeling you only get when the one person you love is in trouble. And so I raced back to good ol' Lima, Ohio. Where Noah was. Because he needed to be ok. And Finn gave me this note, with my name on it, and told me to read it.

This note, giving me heart-wrenching sobs in the middle of a hospital room. Where Noah is laying. Unconscious. And Finn is in the chair, holding his hand, tear stains trailing down his cheeks, wearing a blood soaked shirt. And Noah's mother is in the hallway, screaming at the doctor and sobbing. And Noah's sister, Sarah, is with Santana and Quinn, all three silently crying from their seats. And Mr. Schuester is trying to keep Rachel, Artie, Tina, Mike, Mercedes, Sam, and Brittany calm.

And I feel so selfish standing here, breaking down, when I am the cause of it all. The cause of all of this pain and anguish. The cause of Noah's attempted suicide. And I feel for Finn, who had to bandage his best friend's bleeding wrists inside their college dorm. And I feel for , whose son may never be the same. And I feel for Santana and Quinn, who almost lost pieces of themselves. And I feel for Sarah who almost had a dead brother at the age of eleven. And I feel so terrible, so riddled with guilt, that it only makes me sob more.

And then Finn stands up and runs out of the room as fast as he can. And I look over Quinn, who gives me a nod, and run after him.

"Finn," I say loudly, "Finn!" But he doesn't seem to care as he keeps on running until he reaches the parking lot, where he breaks down onto the pavement, sobbing.

"I should have seen it! I should have done something instead of fucking standing there beside him like dumb fucking Finn Hudson always does," Finn screams between sobs, "I'm a terrible friend...I...I didn't even see it."

"Finn...it's…"

"No, don't even say that...don't even fucking tell me it's going to be ok when it's not, Kurt…" Finn takes a breath, "My best friend is in there because he tried to fucking kill himself tonight...and I didn't even notice anything...What if...What if he tries again, Kurt...What if he succeeds next time...I can't live knowing I couldn't save my best friend…" And he breaks down sobbing again. I kneel on the ground and put my hand on his back, rubbing smooth circle as I too cry. Cry for my hysteric step-brother. Cry for a terrified family. Cry for a horrified group of friends, and cry for the broken man that I love with my whole heart.

"Finn…" I start, rubbing away my tears, "We need to be strong, for Noah...Everything will be ok...Noah's going to be ok." And Finn sits up and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. We both stand and walk back into the hospital, hand in hand, and arrive back at the room Noah is staying in. We switch off by two's every twenty minutes so that everyone gets their chance to see him. The doctor comes into the hallway just as Artie and Mercedes are leaving.

"Noah Puckerman." He says. We all stand up and walk over to him, hopeful looks on our faces. "Noah is going to be fine. He lost a lot of blood, but we're sure he will make a full recovery, with the therapist visits, of course."

"Therapists?" Mrs. Puckerman asks, tears spilling out of her eyes.

"It's a necessity for all of our suicidal patients to go through extensive therapy sessions to prevent these kind of things from happening again.

"How much will that cost?" Mrs. Puckerman asks, her face growing more somber by the second. "He's on a very tight budget as it is and I'm sure those aren't going to help matters."

"Well, we could…" The doctor starts, but I am suddenly interjecting.

"I'll pay for it." I say.

"Kurt," Mrs. Puckerman starts, "You don't have to…"

"I want to...anything to help Noah...just give me the paperwork…"

"Well Mr….?"

"Hummel." I respond, almost robotically.

"Hummel, if you'll just come with me we can get it all set up." The doctor finishes, and soon, I am following him down a winding path of hallways right back to the front desk.

"Rose, just have Mr. Hummel sign the therapy pavement waivers and he should be all set." The secretary smiles as the doctor leaves and she hands me a pen. She prints out what I assume is the waiver and puts it on the desktop.

"Just sign here darlin' and you should be all set." I sign where she tells me too and hand the paper and pen back to her. "Thanks hon', you can go now." So with that, I return back to Noah's room just as it is my turn to go in with Finn. Finn sits in the seat next to Noah's bed and I stand next to him. Finn talks for a little while about life and then stands up.

"Do you want a moment alone with him, Kurt?"

"Uh...sure…" I say nervously. He pats me on my shoulder and leaves the room. I sit down in the chair and apprehensively grab his hand and intertwine our fingers. I speak softly, so as to not wake him up.

"I've missed you Noah." I start, "I've missed you so much. It gets lonely in New York...even with the great Rachel Berry as your roommate." I take a deep breath and continue on. "Blaine and I broke up, obviously. He realised that he didn't love me anymore, and he just left." Another couple of breaths. "I guess, I was hiding too...I mean...I never told the man that I love how much I really loved him…and I screwed up our entire relationship...all because I cheated. I cheated with freaking Blaine Anderson, the easy choice." Another breath, followed by a tear making it's way down my face. I wipe it away and continue on. "Noah, I...I can't...I can't tell you how much I regret cheating on you...I...I don't even know why it happened...I just...I was feeling insecure and...I hadn't seen you and I needed someone...and it just...it just happened…" I calm my sobbing, take a deep breath and continue. "Noah, I...I love you… and I know it now more than ever...just hearing that you were hurt..it just chilled me to the core… and I realized that I need you... I need you in my life because you make it so much better, and...I...I can't live without you, Noah...because I love you...I love you with everything someone can love with...and I'm so, so, so sorry for everything that I put you through, because you didn't deserve any of it. You don't deserve me, Noah…" And with that, I lean down and place a passionate kiss on his lips, because I know it's going to be the last time I'll ever get to feel this connection ever again. But to my surprise, I feel something run down my face and I open my eyes.

It's Noah. And he's kissing me back, with so much passion and love that I can't even believe that it's him. Noah, the one that I left, the one who I pushed to attempt suicide, is kissing me back. And he opens his eyes and I can see the love and excitement in his hazel orbs, which are wet with tears. He leans back as we separate and I sit back down. We both wipe the tears from our faces and wipe the tears from our eyes. There is a few seconds of silence before Rachel walks in and tells me that it's time to switch off and I stand up to leave. As I'm walking out I hear the weakest voice whisper something that freezes me to my core.

"Did you mean it?" And his voice sounds so desperate for love and comfort that another sob threatens to wrack through my body. After a piercing silence, I respond.

"Yes, Noah. I meant every single word." and I walk out, but not before hearing  
Noah say the most special words I could ever hear.

"I never stopped loving you." And I fell back into the memories of our love and our lives. Back to the start of it all. And in that moment, I knew that our pasts didn't matter. Nothing mattered but the fact that we loved each other, and nothing was ever going to change that.

* * *

**_A/N: Should I continue or leave it as it is? Please review, I'd really appreciate it, even if it's only a smile. :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

_I do not own glee! I wish I did though...:)_

* * *

I stayed with him. At the hospital. I stayed all night. For him. Waiting for my chance to see him again. To touch him again. To love him again. Because for how scared I was to see him here, I can only imagine how terrified he is to be here, lying in a foreign bed, wrists bandaged, doctors constantly rushing in and out.

When morning came, all of the other glee club members had left, and Quinn and Santana had taken Sarah home. The only people left were Finn, Noah's mother, Ruth, and myself. Ruth hadn't stopped sobbing all night. I can't imagine how hard it is for a mother to know that her child wanted to kill himself. To know that your child doesn't want to exist anymore. And Finn just sits there, holding her, silently crying himself. It's hard on him too. Seeing his best friend since before they can remember, lying there so lifeless, so dead, it can't be easy at all. Having to call 9-1-1 as he bled out on the dorm room floor, sobbing, it seems that the only things wanted was to repress the memories.

After the initial shock of the previous night's events wore off, I just became numb, not really knowing what to do with myself. I paced around. I checked my phone. I cried. I did anything to ignore the pain. Anything to avoid the fear. The fear that he wasn't going to be alright. Just the fear that he would never learn to love himself again. And to think that I put him here, in this situation, it kills me with guilt inside. It hurts my heart that I threw away all of the love that we shared for some meaningless fuck with Blaine. I threw away the promise I made, to be with someone I could never love. Someone who could never love me back.

"Hey, Kurt...Kurt!" Finn said softly nudging me with his hand, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah…"

"I'm gonna take Ms. Puckerman home to eat and take a shower. Wanna come with me?"

"No, I'll just stay here."

"Dude, you look like death, you're not gonna be any help if you're exhausted…"

"I can't…"

"It's only gonna be for a couple hours and he's stable, so he's not gonna die while we're gone."

"I know, I just...I feel bad." I say quietly.

"Why? No one saw it coming. We didn't know…"

"I could've seen it Finn! I could've helped him…" I yell, Finn flinching in front of me. "I could've called him or texted him...anything! But I sat there, ignoring him...and that fact is eating away at me." I sniffled back a few tears, stood up and pulled Finn outside, leaving a distressed Ruth Puckerman behind.

"Dude, what's going on? Why are you bringing me out here?" Finn asks questioningly.

"I'm the reason he's here, Finn…" I tell him, not even able to look at him in the eye.

"What are you talking about, Kurt?"

"Here…" I pull the letter out of my pocket and put it in his hand. "Read it."

"I can't, he wrote it for you to read."

"It's his fucking suicide note, Finn...he...just read it…"

He opens up the crumpled and folded letter and scans his eyes down the page. Tears build in his eyes as they make their way down the depressing note. When he finishes reading and rereading the letter, he folds it back up in shock.

"What?" He asks, mouth gaping. I take the letter back from his hands and tuck it safely into my pocket. "Why...why did he write that?"

"Finn, I...we...he...just...I cheated on him Finn."

"How...How did you cheat on him? You were never together…" He says breathlessly.

"We...we were, well, secretly, all through senior year...and the first two years of college. He...He came to New York and... and we were so in love, Finn…" I pause to breathe. "He gave me a promise, Finn… He told me that when I was ready, he would propose, and he gave me a ring...he told me to give it back to him when I was ready…" I took another breath, wiping away some tears. "I gave it back and told him I was ready a few months later. He proposed and we moved into an apartment together. We started to plan our wedding, we were going to keep it small, close friends and family…" Willing myself to force out a breath, I let out a small sob before continuing. "One day, I guess I was just in a shit mood, depressed, down on myself...and...and Blaine was just there and…we...we just..."

"No, Kurt...you didn't" I nodded and began to full-out sob, tears making their way down my face as I curl up on one of the benches in front of the hospital. Finn sits next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. It seems weird. Yesterday, I was the one comforting a sobbing, distressed Finn, and now, it's the other way around. I know I don't deserve it, I don't deserve any comfort, so I pull away, but Finn sees my resistance and moves closer.

"Hey, it's gonna be ok, Kurt…"

"No Finn...It's never going to be ok. Nothing's going to be ok. I don't want Blaine, or…or anyone else. I only want Noah. And I fucked up those chances pretty damn well." Finn removes his arm and stands up, sighing.

"Kurt, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how much of a douche you are, but I can't help you here." Finn starts. "For as much as I love you, you screwed Noah over so much that I can't see a way for you to make it better. He's just so hurt inside, I can't imagine not being wanted by anyone, especially the one he gave his heart to."

"But I do want him, Finn."

"Then I guess you have a hell of a lot of making up to do. Puck doesn't trust many people, Kurt, and you destroyed it. You destroyed his trust, his heart… you destroyed his life, Kurt." And with that, Finn walks back into the hospital, giving me a somber look as he leaves.

I take a deep breath, wipe the tears from my face with my already soaked sleeve, and stand up from the uncomfortable hospital bench. I walk out to my rental car and get in, texting my dad that I'm coming home for a little bit. I start the car and start to drive around Lima. Somehow, this hell hole town that tortured me all throughout high school could really calm me down and clear my head. As I drive around, wandering aimlessly, thoughts stream back through my mind. Thoughts of where we started, where we stopped, and where we are now. I just wish that we could go back to the start. The beginning. Senior year. The best year of my life. Because I had Noah, wholeheartedly. And here I am now. Wanting him back. Wanting my former bully, and lover, back. Because now I realize, I will and forever always love him wholeheartedly, and I'm not ready to let that go. I'm not ready to let Noah go.

* * *

_**A/N: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I can't tell you enough how much they motivate me to write. From constructive criticism to smiley faces, anything helps. Anything you want me to write about? Leave a review...Oh, and I was listening to Missed by Ella Henderson while I wrote this...Great song. Thanks! :):)**_


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